And How Do You Spell That?

Last week we were on vacation and while the resort Wi-Fi worked for my computer, I was having a heck of a time with my Kindle reader.

I'd finished the books I'd downloaded before our trip and wanted to purchase and download a couple more. After several attempts - which were unsuccessful - I remembered that the resort has a firewall set and I'd have to call tech support and have someone approve my download request. Seems they needed to confirm who I was so that if I was downloading anything suspicious (I suppose like pornography or conspiracy theory pamphlets?) they'd know how to find me.

The conversation started out just fine: Me explaining I wanted to download a couple more books on my Kindle and the tech support guy telling me he could help.

He asked for my name and room number. He asked how many days I needed access.

But then it started to go sideways.

He asked for my name again.

Gifford

And how do you spell that? G-I-F-F-O-R-D

Gilford?

No, Gifford. G-I-F-F-O-R-D.

Thank you Mrs. Gilford, I'm not finding you in the resort registry.

No, it's Gifford. G-I-F-F-O-R-D.

Thank you ma'am. Can you confirm the spelling of your last name?

G-I-F-F-O-R-D.

Did you say G-I-S-S-O-R-D?

No. G-I-F as in Frank F as in Frank-O-R-D as in dog.

Ah. G-I-, um, Frankdog?

VERY long pause on my end of the line. Eyes rolling to the back of my head. Silent WTH's coming from my lips.

Um, no. My first name is Janet. My last name is Gifford. G-I-F ... as in Frank (pause) ... F as in Frank (pause) ... -O-R-D.

Ma'am, I don't show a Frank Gifford in the resort registry.

(Me in my head: OMG, dude, that's because he's NOT ALIVE, and he sure as hell isn't traveling with us.)

At this point, I'm also wracking my brain for what law enforcement uses for the letter F*. Maybe it's a universal code ... what is it what is it what is it.

So I say: Let's start over. In the resort registry, do you see the party's last name in room 8307?

Yes, yes, I see it.

Is it Gifford?

Ma'am, I can't provide that for security purposes.

Me in my head: O.M.G. Is this for real!!??!!

Okay. So ...... If I say Gifford: G-I-F-F-O-R-D, does that match what you see?

Ah, he says. Gifford! Yes, I see you are in room 8307.

How can I help you?

I'd like to download 2 more books on my Kindle.

Okay. I'll need your Kindle IP address.

It's DC: 10:59:27:33 .... (and a bunch more numbers and colons)

Mrs. Gilford (notice the 'L'), can you repeat that? Is it BeeeeeeC xxxxxx?

No, DeeeeeeC. D. As in Dog.

Ah. Okay. I got it. Seems to be working.

While we wait, can you confirm the spelling of your last name and your room number please?

*p.s. it's Foxtrot. I'm thinking if I ever write a novel my nom de plume can be Frank Foxtrot.